Baby Ashley!! This girl loved to play dress up, and my mom says I would change outfits several times a day. I’d always look in the mirror and admire what I saw.
At some point I stopped believing I was worthy of that feeling.
“Mommy, why is your tummy so squishy?” she said, as we snuggled in bed this morning while daddy took Pj to the kitchen. “Why is my tummy so flat and hard, and yours is so soft?” she asked, innocently.
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trigger warning: eating disorders/body dysmorphia/excessive exercise 👉🏼 Several times in my life I have embarked on a “lifestyle change” with the hopes of finally feeling worthy. Each of those times, I’d get more and more addicted to the control I had, so where exercise should have been done for joy, and eating done for nutrition and enjoyment... instead everything was done from a place of hate, disgust, and punishment.
There were times I would exercise 3 hours a day. I’d only eat protein shakes for most of my meals and I’d log EVERYTHING. I’d weigh morning and night, measure every body part daily and keep the measurements at my bedside in a notebook.
I’ve always been in a rush since my early 20’s. Being productive has always been something I thrive off of. For years I’ve had people tell me I “deserve” self care, which has always been extremely hard for me to even know what that means. In my mind, when I would hear that, I’d go “nah, I’m good. Why would I waste three hours on me? That’s not productive!” Doing therapy with an intuitive eating specialist along with regular therapy has gotten me here. This week it clicked.
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Hi, my names Ashley and my stomach is fat. There’s never been a time in my life where I wasn’t self conscious about my belly. Even 100 lbs ago, when body dysmorphia ruled my life, it was something I was ashamed of.
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It’s really important to me that I share the good stuff with you guys. The days I’m feeling like I can rule the world no matter what my body looks or feels like.
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I’m tired. Tired of not feeling good enough because my body looks so vastly different from so many other bodies I see.
Tired of letting my body size depict my worth and value.
For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted was a flat stomach.
I avoided pool parties as early as middle school. I would spend the evenings secretly doing workout videos in my bedroom.
Dear Summer body:
I’m sure that you’ll look different next year, and the year after, and so on. Bigger, smaller, older, dimplier or not, looser or tighter, whatever the case... I want you to know that I won’t look back.
BIKINI TOP $4 | BOTTOMS $4
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Taking these photos wasn’t easy. I had to climb into a rocky river, knowing I’m not as strong as I used to be and knowing that I could easily slip and fall at any moment.
On top of that, I was wearing a two piece swimsuit which is never actually as easy as it looks. To be honest, two piece swimsuits are usually more comfortable for me because finding a one piece that fits my torso right is near impossible. But I am always a little more self conscious.
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This pic isn’t pretty but whatever - I’m here to remind you that you don’t need to wait until you’re a certain size before you try a yoga class.
Or a spin class.
Or CrossFit.
Or whatever - any type of exercise class.
👉🏼FAT👈🏼 this is a word I have struggled with my whole life, ever since that dumb boy made fun of my “fat legs” in 2nd grade.
When the word FAT started being talked about more in the body positive community I had a really, REALLY hard time with it. I’ve been working on it. But this one word has probably been the hardest thing for me to be accepting of.
I’m not always super confident in this swimsuit but I wear it. I wear it because I deserve to rock a two piece just like anyone else. I wear it because I’m no longer trying to hide anything and I love my scars. And I wear it because it’s important to me that we NORMALIZE ALL BODY TYPES.
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You know that voice in your head... the one that tells you you’re not good enough? I’ve listened to that voice my whole life. It’s told me I’m not athletic enough, smart enough, thin enough, busy enough, pretty enough, funny enough, successful enough, friendly enough.
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oday was the first time I stepped foot into a gym in over a year. Today, when I walked through those doors, I loved my current self. I didn’t walk in to that building ashamed of my appearance, feeling like I’d done something wrong. Instead, I went because I know it makes me a better person.
I saw the workout equipment, took a deep breath, and went for it. The entire time I worked out I had to tell myself “this is for your mental health” instead of “gotta lose the baby weight.”
💪🏼 ARMS came out to play today 👏🏻 I’ve talked about my legs and stomach as being insecure areas but my ARMS are the body insecurity I’ve let rule my life. A few examples 👉🏼 My entire 9th grade homecoming dance I was so self conscious about my arms and the stretch marks on them. I let this take over me and would barely talk to anyone. 👉🏼 Before my wedding, I obsessively worked out my arms because I was terrified I’d look back on my wedding photos and hate them if they looked fat. Like, even brought my arm weights in the car obsessive.
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LEGS. I’ve always been self-conscious of them but truthfully they were always “better off” to me than the rest of my body. I’ve had cellulite and stretch marks since 7th grade, and I can remember dreaming of having some sort of surgery to remove them. I would buy all the creams to try to erase the marks and dimples. Even at my most physically fit, I wasn’t happy with them. I am naturally “knock kneed” when I stand and always attributed that to being unattractive and due to my weight. See the 2nd pic - I used to see photos like that of me and cringe.
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It’s been 2.5 months since I had Pearl Jo, and I’m finally starting to feel kind of normal. With that also comes the normal anxiety and the self love/body image struggles. To be honest, it really doesn’t have anything to do with having children. I mean… SURE. I’ve gone through the pain and heartache of losing the body that you thought you knew so well to pregnancy and having to adjust not once, but twice to a new and different body.
But these issues have been with me since I was young and long before having children.
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Dear 2019 body,
Maybe I’ll fit into these clothes again this year, and maybe I won’t. Either way... I promise to love you just the same as I did a year ago when this photo was taken.
I promise not to spend the entire month of January stressed about starting a new diet or changing you in any way.
In November of 2017, I was tired. Tired of feeling like crap. It'd been 2 years since I had a baby, and 2 years since I had taken care of myself. I found myself in a deep depression and drowning in anxiety.
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