Triggers...
If you don’t like reading diary entries keep scrolling. 🖤
Triggers - a word I used to hear and honestly didn’t understand what it meant. I’d be lying if I said that sometimes I didn’t brush off “triggers” when others spoke about them... but I was so far deep into my own undiagnosed anxiety and depression that I just couldn’t grasp the concept.
Since I started getting mental health help last year it just keeps getting clearer and clearer every time I’m triggered.
Last night I was scrolling Insta and came across a friend who shares mostly bikini photos and ways to change your body.
I usually keep scrolling but last night I didn’t. I ended up on her page, and suddenly that familiar feeling of wishing I could look like someone else came rushing through me like a tidal wave.
This hasn’t happened to me in a long long long time. I’ve worked so hard on the inside to really embrace that beyond body positivity is this magical thing called body acceptance. To me, that means knowing that you are NOT your body. Your worth is NOT equal to your size.
But in this moment, I crumbled. I shut down, shut my phone off and “forgot” about it.
Except for I didn’t.
I woke up today in a deep depression which spiraled into an anxiety attack. I was able to ground myself, but not without tears and frustration.
The feeling I get when I’m reminded that I felt that way for 25+ years is devastating.
To be clear: did her posts trigger this spiral? Yes. Is that on her? NO.
F diet culture. It stole so many moments from my childhood, teenage years, college days and twenties.
It has truly caused me so much pain. If you’re reading this wishing you had a different body type, hating what you see when you look in the mirror, or letting your size rule your life... it’s time to break up with diet culture.
It’s not easy, and it’s something I am always working on. And I still get triggered.
But if me sharing my journey gives anyone even just a day of freedom in a swimsuit then I won’t stop sharing. 🖤🖤🖤
you are enough.
*edited to add* 100lbs ago my disorder was at its worst. If you need help please reach out.