I'm Hitting Pause on Everything

Yooooo, that feeling when you realize your body is exactly what you wished it wouldn’t be years ago. //content warning\\ (language relating to body dys, eating disorders, orthorexia)

I thought:
“@oprah is always on a diet, and she’s amazing, so I need to do that to also be amazing.”
“Men only like women who are thin because that’s what makes you beautiful.”
“People won’t respect me unless I look healthy which means being thin.”
“I’ll never truly be happy until I love how I look, which means I have to change my body.”
“Part of a woman’s worth is how we look.”
“Shame on you for letting your body look this way.” Boy was I wrong. TOO BAD it cost me years of false joy based off of being the most unhealthy version of me ever which also made my body conform to the thin ideal.

TOO BAD I got nothing but praise from everyone who saw me. Praise for how much willpower I had. Praise for how healthy I was.

Too bad they didn’t know... I wasn’t eating enough. I was addicted to exercise. My body was not okay. My mind was not okay. This sense of control and power I was getting from orthorexia was actually my way of masking past traumas and pain.

Im finally hitting “pause” on everything when it comes to food and exercise, and instead I’m working on healing my relationships with those two things so then I can truly trust my body again and know what it needs to be and feel it’s best.

In the meantime, I’ll just be over here giving myself love, grace and compassion because look at HER. After all of that, she’s still here. 💪🏼 (and more beautiful than ever to be honest) ✨