How shopping for a wedding dress traumatized me as a size 12

I know what you’re thinking: “a size 12?! how can that be traumatizing?!” KEEP READING.

Content Warning: this post contains storytelling that talks about eating disorders, body dysmorphia & weight loss

It was January of 2013, and had just gotten engaged to my now husband a few months earlier. I was beyond thrilled to not only be marrying my best friend, but of course to be living out my dreams of getting married. At this point in my life, I didn’t realize I didn’t need all of that to be happy. I truly wanted everything I’d dreamt of since I was a kid.

It’s funny, though, because up until I met Wes, I didn’t really think I’d have that dream. I fully planned on moving to New York after college and focusing on my career until I met him and realized all I wanted in my life was to be with HIM.

A few years later, we were engaged and I found myself making a bridal dress appointment at a boutique to go with my grandmother and mom to. We had the perfect day planned, dress shopping and then lunch. I knew there was a chance I probably wouldn’t find the perfect dress, but it would be a good start and I could maybe get more of an idea of what I really wanted in a dress.

If you’ve been around here awhile, you may recall me mentioning years of disordered eating amongst a lot of other mental health and body image issues. Unfortunately, and as much as it pains me to admit this, during this time of my life I probably could have been put into treatment for a few eating disorders. But at this time, I truly did not see what I was doing to myself as wrong. I truly, whole heartedly felt that I was prioritizing my health and wanted to make sure I would feel confident on my wedding day. Remember, this was 10+ years ago, and there was zero representation anywhere.

So I marched into that bridal boutique, a size 12. I remember feeling nervous but also knowing that I’d been “working my butt off” to be able to fit into a dress I loved. I now know that my body’s natural baseline is more like a 16/18, and I’d later find out that the smallest my body frame could ever possibly get is a size 10. Yeah, so what I’m saying here is that the anorexic, orthorexic version of me is a size 10. This is why you never comment on people’s bodies, and you never make assumptions about body size. This got missed by so many people in my life because 1, I’m really good at masking… and 2, I didn’t look like what you see in the health books and TV ads when they talk about eating disorders. I was praised constantly for weight loss, and in their eyes I had “gotten healthy” - but if anyone truly knew what I was doing to myself, I don’t think they’d agree with that statement.

Anyway, moving on, I went into that appointment that day with my proud grandmother and mom. I remember the wedding dress attendant seeming snobbish, and looking me up and down. She rudely made it very clear that she only had a few dresses that would fit me. I’m stubborn. I tried on one dress, hated it, and left.

Like I mentioned, I’m stubborn. I found another store that day (Bravura in Snellville, GA) that treated me so well, and had several plus size options. I found my dream dress there and I have no regrets. But it was more of a large retail store type of experience that focused mostly on occasion/pageant/prom dresses. What I had truly dreamt of was an experience I’d seen my other friends having (story of my life, truly, since I never felt like I fit in anywhere). I had simply dreamed of going to a beautiful boutique with the people I love, and having a special, curated experience. I didn’t want to feel like an inconvenience. The fact that I, as a SIZE 12, was treated like an inconvenience is beyond me. The fact that ANY ACTUAL HUMAN trying to find a wedding dress, regardless of what size, would be treated like an inconvenience is heartbreaking. Bravura didn’t treat me like an inconvenience, but due to my experience at the previous boutique I would sure feel like one for years to come.

After finding my dress, I went on to “prep” for my wedding, aka become even more disordered to the point of where my body and how it looked was literally all I could think about. At my final dress fitting, I had lost so much weight in my chest they couldn’t take it in any more and I had to add straps on so it wouldn’t fall down. After our wedding, we got our photos and I bawled. Because I hated them. I thought I looked awful. I wasn’t small enough. I hated those pictures for years. Loved them for a few. And now, I feel kind of sad when I look at them. Body dysmorphia is a very real thing, and I never thought I had it. But I did. I still do, I guess you could say… I’m not sure you ever truly know if what you’re seeing in the mirror or in photos is what everyone else is seeing.

Recently, I had the opportunity to visit a boutique in Downtown Roswell, GA called Wedding Angels. I had no idea this boutique existed, but I so wish I had known about it.

Right off the bat, as soon as I PARKED I noticed the size representation in the plus size mannequin in the window. As I walked in, saw brides of all sizes represented in the imagery on the walls. You better believe I grilled them, too, to make sure they actually carried sizes in store to try on. They told me they have over 800 gowns in different sizes in store, and when I asked if a size 28 plus size woman needed 12 dresses to try on, they said “Oh, absolutely, that’s nothing!”

Needless to say, this experience was extremely healing for me. I tried on two dresses and the staff was incredible. I never felt like an inconvenience.

Arguably, the most important takeaway for me was this: I felt JUST AS SPECIAL and JUST AS BEAUTIFUL as the size 2 woman next door trying on gowns.

I never needed to change my body to be worthy enough of this type of experience. You don’t need to change your body to feel worthy of anything, period.

I’m so glad I had the chance to experience Wedding Angels, because I really honestly didn’t know a place like this existed. If you’re reading this, don’t settle. YOU ARE WORTHY of everything you want and desire in life. Size doesn’t matter. And if you go somewhere that makes you feel like it does, get. outta. there.

I’m not going to lie, as my husband and I will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary tomorrow.. this may have just inspired me to do a vow renewal in the future.

I can’t stop dreaming of what it would be like to marry the same man I fell in love with all those years ago, in a body I’m not ashamed of. In a body I accept. As a person I truly, deeply, accept. Maybe one day.

Thanks for reading.