I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of disappointment.

Often this year I was an angry mom, an angry partner, an angry friend. Other times I was just really, really sad. I didn’t know why, because I would look around and see what I have and be so thankful for it. My relationship, my kids... they are my world. And spending more time with my husband than we ever have in 12 years has ‘saved’ our marriage (but at the same time it’s brought a lot of arguments and a lot of things to work through).

This is the first time ever where I am not looking back on a year and feeling joy. Usually even in tough times I’m able to ‘see the bright side’ of things.

But this year - it wasn’t that simple. This year God stripped away all the walls that I had built to protect myself from feeling hurt, ashamed, or disappointed in myself.

Usually when things are hard I bury myself in other things like work and being busy. And then I take those achievements and hold them close, cherishing them and finding my identity within those things.

But what happens when those things are taken away? Then what?

I lost myself this year. I am not sure I’ve found myself yet but I’m getting there.

Honestly, I’m not proud of my year. And I really think that it’s OKAY to feel this way. To sit in this feeling and reflect.

But this photo is the one moment I have from this year where I DID do something I’m proud of. I freaking rode my bike. Something I haven’t been able to wrap my head around doing in a very long time, because I was scared, embarrassed, and honestly had convinced myself I couldn’t. One day, Wes said “babe you’re doing it, let’s go.” And that was that.
I stopped halfway through the ride and had a panic attack, cried, pulled myself together and then finished strong. I faced my fears and proved to myself that I can do hard things, my body is strong even though my mind tells me it’s not, and that I deserve to move.

As I move into a new year, I’m leaving a lot behind. I learned (and am still learning) how to have happiness that’s not rooted in success. No more walls up. Clearer boundaries & priorities.

Just like that bike ride, we can do hard things. To brighter days! ✨