Looking Back // Body Image

I was searching through old photos tonight for something and I came across one (okay several) that made me cringe.
Cringe because I look at those photos now and realize how I had it all wrong. You see, I was convinced that how I looked equaled my worth.
Back then, I’d see this last picture and think “oh no, I need to lose 3 more inches in my arms.” Now, I look at it and I see a girl who hated herself. A girl who so desperately wanted to feel worthy. And a girl who discovered quickly at the age of 21 that working out and obsessively dieting would feed her appetite for control. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and tell that girl that she was so much more than her body. Or her looks. Or her size.
But I’m not sure she would have listened anyway, that’s the scary part.
If I missed a meal, I’d be excited to check the scale the next morning.
This. Went on. For years.
I would skip socializing if I felt like I’d gained weight since the last time I saw my friends. I’d obsess the week before any sort of event about calorie intake vs calories burned and if I’d be able to fit into the new size 10 dress I bought (maybe one day I’d be a size 6 because then maybe I’d be normal) 🤦🏼‍♀️
Guys? Can we all agree that this diet and body obsessed culture is not okay?
I’ve made progress. I don’t look back on pictures of myself and fantasize about how skinny I was anymore. No, sadly I see those photos and feel sorry for that girl who was so trapped. Suffocating. Self-medicating. Dreaming of the day she might weigh 145 lbs and have the “ideal BMI” 🙄
This post tonight wasn’t planned but I was inspired in the moment to share. Tomorrow I’ll share all the things I’ve done to help change my mindset, and maybe that will help you too.