I Have a Problem // #breakingupwithdietculture

{CW/TW: diet & disordered eating} I just did something I could have never imagined I’d have to force myself to do.

I just went to the grocery store and made myself buy food that is easy to make, and food that I know I will eat. Food that I’ve avoided for so many years now that I felt like I was committing a crime as I paid the cashier.

My biggest goal for the foreseeable future is to eat. Yep, I have a problem. And I’m sharing this with you because I know I’m not alone out there.

I just had a breakthrough this morning during my session with @stephdodier.

I have a real problem feeding myself. Not because of time or my schedule. Believe it or not, I am in my kitchen at breakfast, lunch and dinner 90% of the time.

But I have no desire to nourish myself, barely an appetite and the work it requires my brain to think about what I could make myself that’s delicious and healthy is just too much for me to handle.

And so often times, I just don’t eat.
I’ll take bites of my kids dinners, but a lot of days I’m running off of coffee and maybe a CFA Drive thru when the hunger finally hits and when it’s convenient. I go out with friends and eat, because that’s easy - I don’t have to think about much and if I don’t feel great about what I ate later, I can easily pass the blame on the fact that I was at a restaurant and had no other choice.

Fast food is another excusable meal choice because I’m just out here “trying to survive...” But really, I have a problem that goes MUCH DEEPER than food.

This dangerous cycle of starving for days and then binging is more than just survival mode. More than just being a busy mom. And today I finally realized: I am worth this fight.

BRB, going to make my first homemade sandwich in years.