#deardiary // This was me yesterday... happy. But today... it feels like I’m fighting my way out of a deep dark hole. Last night, a wave of depression came over me but I wrote it off as coming down with something and went to bed early. This morning it was even worse. I really wasn’t feeling well but then it quickly turned into anxiety when I realized I couldn’t physically emotionally or mentally handle the tasks I had given myself to complete for the day. Then I got angry. Angry and exhausted from fighting myself. And I spiraled.
I handed the baby off to Wes and got in the shower and fought really hard to work through my feelings. I took the baby outside for a bit and put my feet on the ground. After that, I felt better. But Lord. It’s exhausting.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized I’ve been fighting depression and anxiety since I was kid... I just didn’t know that’s what it was. In college I remember randomly sleeping in my room all day and not wanting to see a single soul. I still get like that sometimes, which is so unlike me 90% of the time. It’s like when depression creeps in, I feel like I’m an entirely different person. It doesn’t happen often, and a lot of times I keep myself too busy to notice it’s even there. I find that if I don’t wake up with a schedule for the day, it is so much harder for me to have a good day. Having kids complicates everything too. I’m also learning that if I admit to myself that I’m depressed, it makes turning my day around a little easier. It’s like I’m accepting it and asking for help rather than keeping it all in.
I’m sharing this because I know a lot of you suffer from the same things and I wanted to remind you today that you are not alone. Medication, therapy, exercise... those things aren’t going to suddenly fix everything, but they’re tools that over time will help you. Thankful for a supportive family and husband. Thankful that every time I look at my girls it makes everything I do more than worth it. 🖤 Mental health is so important, and I am most certainly still on the journey to healing. If you feel that you need help, please talk to someone.