Today was the first time I stepped foot into a gym in over a year. Today, when I walked through those doors, I loved my current self. I didn’t walk in to that building ashamed of my appearance, feeling like I’d done something wrong. Instead, I went because I know it makes me a better person.
I saw the workout equipment, took a deep breath, and went for it. The entire time I worked out I had to tell myself “this is for your mental health” instead of “gotta lose the baby weight.”
I’ve been terrified of working out again. Scared that I might fall back in to these destructive cycles of self hate and punishment. In the past, I would get so obsessed with it all that if I skipped a workout I’d feel unworthy and ashamed. I’d re-measure my body every day to see if I’d lost any more inches. I’d weigh myself in the morning and night. At times, I’d work out 6 days a week eating 700 calories a day - what I see now is that I was punishing myself for not fitting in to society’s norm. What our world has told us is beautiful was not how I looked, so of course I wanted to be considered beautiful. It had to be done, or else no one would find me attractive and I would never ever be happy. I lived this way for so long. Even after I met my husband. I was searching for confidence on the outside, but what I didn’t know then was that it all comes from within.

But I’m trying this again, for me. For my marriage. And for my kids. I’ll say it again: I know it makes me a better person.
This time, I’m promising myself I’ll exercise because it’s good for my brain, my soul and my well being. And I’m saying screw you to the numbers.

And if my body ends up changing in any way, that’s fine but you won’t be seeing any before and afters, because #howrude to current Ashley 🤚🏼#nobeforeandafters
#mentalhealthawarenessweek #postpartumanxiety #postpartumdepression #this_is_postpartum