The first 4 months of her life I was ANGRY. I felt robbed. I had spent my entire pregnancy dreaming of what it would be like to bring her home - but what actually happened was a series of events I would have never dreamt of.
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I was angry that at 2 days old, the nurses took her from my breast and told me I wouldn’t be able to feed her anymore. They showed me to a pumping room where I’d spend 30 minutes, every 3 hours, every day, for an entire month. I’d cry the entire time.
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After weeks of fighting a horrifying blood infection and spinal meningitis, she was finally able to have heart surgery. The nurses warned me that I might want to come in a few hours before and let her breastfeed since that could very well be the last time she’d be able to. Heart babies have a lot of feeding issues, especially after surgery - this is what they told me.
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So I breastfed her, on Jan 19, for what actually did turn out to be the last time. I’m so glad I took a picture.
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After surgery, they told me the devastating news that her vocal chord had been paralyzed. This meant that she was aspirating thin liquids, and wouldn’t be able to feed by mouth until it started functioning again - which they told me could be years.
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This also meant she had no voice - which was honestly heartbreaking.
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She came home at 1 month old on a feeding tube and I was devastated. I knew it was what was best for her... But.It. Killed. Me.
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So we went to feeding therapy every week, and tried to accept the tube as her new normal. I quit pumping because I wasn’t producing enough anymore and the stress of it all just wasn’t worth it. .
Eventually, her vocal chord was no longer paralyzed and she came off the tube at 4 months old 🙌🏼
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I wanted to be the breastfeeding mom. Then, all I wanted was to be the formula, bottle fed mom. But those things weren’t an option for me. I found virtually no feeding tube support when I was going through this, so if this is YOU - know you’re not alone.
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It always could have been worse. But this is my story, and yes I’m still angry sometimes, but oh so thankful for the feeding tube that made her thrive.